Saturday, October 12, 2013

Ten Years

It's been an emotional few weeks for me in my real life.  On the outside I've been trying to keep it together, faking a smile and a joke here and there.  Inside my heart is hurting a bit.

A few weeks ago I received news that one of my teachers from high school -- my favourite teacher, to be honest -- had committed suicide.  This was only a few days after my 10 year high school reunion, which he did not attend.  

This man was my music teacher, and it was because of him I uncovered a talent and love for playing instruments.  I played the trumpet, and had a passion for it.   I would play for hours at a time to learn my music -- hell, I was always the one who played "The Last Post" on Remembrance Day, which was an honour.  It was because of him that I learned to pay close attention to detail, to anticipate what could be lying ahead, and to just think of the positives in my life.  

My former teacher was one of the happiest men I ever met, so news of his suicide came as a shock.  My hometown is a small farming community, so needless to say everyone was there for his memorial, still trying to figure out why he did it.

I guess the thing that pains me the most is that I didn't get a chance to see him after high school -- I went to college, started a career, had a baby, did time consuming stuff.  I stopped playing trumpet, but had fond memories of my classes and band trips all over Alberta.

I feel like this year has been a pretty rough year in the death department.  Raimund's mom passed away from cancer, my grandmother on my dad's side died suddenly in August, and now this suicide has somewhat put me over the edge.  I can normally "keep it together", but in the days following the news of my teacher I was a complete wreck.  I think it has to do with the fact that I didn't give myself the proper time to grieve for my mother in law or grandmother, and now this sudden and horrible death was on top of it all.

All of the above being said, as of lately I've been doing much better.  I've been thinking back to my music classes and how much I learned from and loved them.  I've been appreciating the memories I've had, the lessons I've learned, and the wisdom I gained from my teacher.  I've decided to take up the trumpet again, 10 years after I stopped playing.  I feel excited to do this, but at the same time I can't help but feel somewhat empty inside.  I'm learning this instrument from scratch again, without the help and guidance of a man I admired, and that, my friends, makes me feel so depressed.

8 comments:

  1. I'm so sorry to hear this, Erin :(. We all deal with death in different ways, sometimes it strikes you way after it happens. I remember that at my mom's funeral, I couldn't shed a single tear and believe me, I had never been sadder in my whole life.

    I'm glad to know you're doing better ;). A very tight hug!

    Miki.

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  2. I'm so sorry, Erin. Death is scary and it digs up so many emotions we don't know how to deal with. Though I'm glad you're doing better, take it one day at a time, things will eventually get better. I'm here if you need anything.

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  3. That's horrible, I'm sorry. I'm glad you can take those fond memories and make something of them, going back to playing an instrument is a pretty cool way to honor him if you think about it.

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  4. I'm so sorry about all the things you've been going through lately. I'm so excited for you to start up trumpet again and I think it's awesome you're directing your feelings into an art form. You are f'ing awesome my friend! <3

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  5. So sorry to hear! It's always so hard having to deal with these things. I recently learned that my high school love passed one year ago after battling cancer for over 2 years - I felt so overwhelmed and sorry and feel so sad for his wife and 2 kids he left behind. Life can really suck sometimes!
    Glad to hear you're feeling better - hugs! xxx

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  6. so sorry to hear, it's such a shock when things happen like that, you just never know whats really going on in peoples lives xx

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  7. I am so sorry to hear about this Erin. This has really bean a rough year for deaths. I think taking up the trumpet again is a great way to remember someone who was so dear to you.

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  8. Oh no. How surreal. I got along much better with my teachers then the other students when I was in school. Hope you find some answers. Hope he knew how much he ment to his students.

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Thanks for popping by! :D