It's been an emotional few weeks for me in my real life. On the outside I've been trying to keep it together, faking a smile and a joke here and there. Inside my heart is hurting a bit.
A few weeks ago I received news that one of my teachers from high school -- my favourite teacher, to be honest -- had committed suicide. This was only a few days after my 10 year high school reunion, which he did not attend.
This man was my music teacher, and it was because of him I uncovered a talent and love for playing instruments. I played the trumpet, and had a passion for it. I would play for hours at a time to learn my music -- hell, I was always the one who played "The Last Post" on Remembrance Day, which was an honour. It was because of him that I learned to pay close attention to detail, to anticipate what could be lying ahead, and to just think of the positives in my life.
My former teacher was one of the happiest men I ever met, so news of his suicide came as a shock. My hometown is a small farming community, so needless to say everyone was there for his memorial, still trying to figure out why he did it.
I guess the thing that pains me the most is that I didn't get a chance to see him after high school -- I went to college, started a career, had a baby, did time consuming stuff. I stopped playing trumpet, but had fond memories of my classes and band trips all over Alberta.
I feel like this year has been a pretty rough year in the death department. Raimund's mom passed away from cancer, my grandmother on my dad's side died suddenly in August, and now this suicide has somewhat put me over the edge. I can normally "keep it together", but in the days following the news of my teacher I was a complete wreck. I think it has to do with the fact that I didn't give myself the proper time to grieve for my mother in law or grandmother, and now this sudden and horrible death was on top of it all.
All of the above being said, as of lately I've been doing much better. I've been thinking back to my music classes and how much I learned from and loved them. I've been appreciating the memories I've had, the lessons I've learned, and the wisdom I gained from my teacher. I've
decided to take up the trumpet again, 10 years after I stopped
playing. I feel excited to do this, but at the same time I can't help
but feel somewhat empty inside. I'm learning this instrument from
scratch again, without the help and guidance of a man I admired, and
that, my friends, makes me feel so depressed.